Second Chances
by Sarkaholic
Summary: When Sydney and Sark hit rock bottom will they find comfort in each other's arms? Please read and review.


Title: Starting Over  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Alias or any of it's characters. (But I do have Sark locked in my basement. But that's hush-hush.)  
  
Rating: PG-13 for sexual content and some language.  
  
Summary: When Sydney and Sark hit rock bottom, will they find solace in the other's arms? [1-parter] Please read and review.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
And you can't fight the tears that ain't comin'  
  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
  
When everything feels like the movies  
  
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive  
  
~Iris, Goo Goo Dolls  
  
It was a long way down. The rocks below were sharp and jagged. It would be painful, sure, but then it would all be over. Besides, it couldn't be nearly as painful as the hell he was going through now. How did his life turn out this way? How did it all come down to this? Standing on a rocky cliff, over-looking LA. Why did it have to take something like her dying for him to realize what his life had become?  
  
As he continued to look down upon the rocks, Sark's vision became blurry. It took him a moment to realize that he had been crying. How long had it been since he'd done that? He hadn't even cried when he learned of her death. So what was it now that was strong enough to bring him to tears? Fear? Fear of what? Fear of dying? Or maybe.fear of living?  
  
Sark wiped his eyes and shifted his gaze to the sky. Now he understood what he was afraid of. Not of dying. He had never really feared death. No, it was what might happen to him after death. Looking up at the sky, he knew that that would not be his final destination. He had done nothing with his life to deserve that. He knew that he deserved any punishment that he got in the after-life. It still frightened him though. But, considering the hell that he was going through on Earth, the alternative didn't seem all that bad.  
  
Sark sat down on the cold ground and looked out over the lit-up city. He thought about what people might be doing down there. Going to the movies. Going to parties with friends. Staying home with a lover and watching TV. He had frowned on people with ordinary lives for as long as he could remember. Calling them dull. Now, he would give anything to be one of them. To be able to go out and have a good time. See a movie. Smile. Be loved. Just..feel. His gaze focused back on the ground below the cliff. Why did it take Irina dying for him to see that?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sydney sped along the highway at a dangerously high speed. The city lights behind her got farther and farther away. To the other drivers on the road she must have looked like a maniac in a car chase, just driving anywhere and everywhere to escape. Well, part of that was true. She was trying to escape. But she knew exactly where she was going.  
  
The past three months her life and been a downward spiral. Her and Vaughn had broken up. Deep down part of her had always known that it wouldn't last. Too many complications. But that bit of foresight didn't help ease the pain.  
  
After that, she became distant with everybody. Shutting everybody out. Including her father. Their relationship had had it's share of problems in the past, but now it was virtually non-existent.  
  
As the days went on, Sydney continued to close herself off from the world. She became unwilling to face reality. Because the reality was, that she was a thirty-something CIA agent whose life was spent either behind a desk, or out in the field chasing after one of the most notorious criminal master-minds out there, who also happened to be her mother.  
  
Her mother. Sydney hadn't believed it when her father first told her. She had faked her death before, that's what she had to be doing this time. But it wasn't. Her body had been recovered and IDed. Irina dying was what had snapped her back to reality. Sydney had been so focused on finding her mother that she failed to see that her life was crumbling around her. How long had it been since the last time she'd gone out with her friends? Seen a movie? Smiled? Felt anything at all? All she felt now was pain. And she just didn't want to feel anymore.  
  
As Sydney neared the top of the cliff she noticed another car parked along the side of the road. She pulled up beside it and got out. It looked familiar. No.it couldn't be his. She left her car where it was and continued to walk up the hill. When she reached the top, she saw him. He was sitting on the ground, his back against a rock, looking out over the city. His back was to her, but she could still tell that it was him. Why was he here? Part of her wondered if he might be here for the same reasons that she was. But she quickly dismissed that thought. Sark had way too much pride.  
  
He had been a pain in the ass for her ever since they first met, and she wasn't about to let him stand in her way tonight. As she continued her journey forward, she accidentally stepped on some dry leaves, causing Sark to jump up and turn around to face her. He seemed surprised to see her standing there, but his expression turned straight again quickly. Sydney noticed that his eyes were red. Had he been crying?  
  
"Miss Bristow. How fitting that yours will be the last face I see before I die." He said dryly, before turning back around to face the city.  
  
Sydney starred at his back for a moment, not fully understanding.  
  
"What are you talking about?" She asked. But as she stepped forward, she noticed that his eyes were not focused on the city, but on the ground below the cliff. He was here for the same reason that she was. "I guess great minds do think alike."  
  
Sark's gaze shifted to meet hers, but there was no need for him to ask her what she meant by that. The answer was in her blood-shot eyes, that he was certain, mirrored his perfectly. He sat back down against the rock, and a few moments later, she did the same.  
  
His curiosity was nagging at him. He had always noticed a certain sadness in Sydney, but never asked about, fearing that it would demolish the facade that he had always put on around her. But what did that matter now? He had no more reason to hide. No more reason to pretend. There was nothing stopping him from spilling his soul and then throwing his body over the edge of the cliff.  
  
Still, the two sat there in a silent understanding. They both knew that the other was in the same place as them. Not just literally, but mentally as well. But they were each still wondering what had happened that had drove the other here? Each knew that Irina's death had been the breaking point for them. There was so much they wanted to say to each other. To ask each other. Finally Sark broke the silence.  
  
"She was like a mother to me too, y'know?" He said, looking out at the city.  
  
"I know."  
  
"She was the only person that ever seemed to genuinely care about me."  
  
Sydney glanced over at him. He was different tonight. Very different. Instead of seeing the cold-blooded killer that she was use to seeing, she saw a scared little boy who felt that he had no more options. "Why did you come here?" She asked.  
  
Sark looked at her. "You know why I came here."  
  
"No..I mean, why?  
  
His eyes shifted down to his hands, but he remained quiet. A moment later he asked, "You didn't really come here for the same reason I did, did you?" Sydney stayed quiet but shifted her eyes to his. "You could never really do it."  
  
"You don't think so? Why's that?"  
  
"Because you have people that care about you. And you could never hurt them. You could hurt yourself, but you could never hurt the people you loved. That's one thing I've always lov-...admired about you."  
  
Sydney sighed deeply. How was it that he always managed to know what she was thinking. Sometimes even before she did. "You caught me." She said.. "I come up here when things in my life seem to have hit rock bottom. I think about how easy it would be to end it all. But than I think about my father. About my friends. You're right. I could never hurt them."  
  
Silence lingered between them for what seemed like an eternity. "I guess I'm lucky then, to not have anyone that gives a damn about me. I wouldn't anybody's feelings to stand in my way."  
  
"Why? That never stopped you before." Sydney said, before she could stop herself. She hadn't meant to be that harsh.  
  
Again, silence took over.  
  
Sydney felt the need to ask again what it was that brought him here. But before she got the chance to voice her question, he had already begun answering it.  
  
"You want to know why I'm here Miss Bristow? I'm here because I don't want to feel anymore. And I know what you're going to say, I do. You don't think that I am even capable of feeling. And you're right. I use not to be."  
  
Sydney met his eyes and silently urged him to continue.  
  
"I still remember the day that I first stopped feeling. I was 16. It was the first day that I ever killed someone. It was my final test. I had already proven myself worthy of working with Irina, but I had to pass one more test. She has taken a man prisoner. His name was Jake Riley. He was a scientist. He had already been put though hours of interrogation and torture. But he hadn't given us any information. And now he was to be killed. By me. She handed me the gun. And told me to go into the room and to not come out until the job was complete. I walked in to find him strapped to a chair, severely beaten. After about 10 minutes she came back in to find me in the corner crying, and Dr. Riley still alive."  
  
Sark was crying at this point, and Sydney was coming close. How was it possible that this man that she had come to know as a murderer, was sitting before her crying. He was about to tell her.  
  
"I told her that I couldn't do it. I couldn't believe how angry she was. She stood me up and told me to point the gun at his head. I did. Then she told me to pull the trigger. I couldn't do it. I couldn't believe what happened next. She took the gun from me and ordered me out of the room. As I was walking away I kept expecting to hear the gunshot, but I didn't. I kept on walking, and all of a sudden I felt a sharp pain on the back of my head. Then I blacked out. She had hit me over the head with the butt of the gun. When I came to I was laying in a hospital bed." He turned to face Sydney. "She had given me an injection. It was something that she had been engineering since before I joined the organization. Soon it would begin to eat away at my skin, until it eventually killed me. She let it get down until I was almost dead. Than she gave me the antidote. After I recovered I was forced back into the room with Dr. Riley. Only this time I wasn't afraid. I was only angry. I went in there. I shot him. And I walked out. Without even flinching. I did it many times after that. So much that I lost count. All without feeling any remorse."  
  
Sydney just sat there and listened to him. She knew what it was like to keep your feelings all bottled up. And she knew why he needed to tell her this.  
  
"And than she died. I was all alone. I had no one to complain to. No one who would sit and listen to my problems. No one who understood."  
  
Sydney took a breath. "I understand."  
  
Sark looked up at her, but then looked back down at his hands. He couldn't bare to look her in the eye.  
  
"I've been holding every single emotion that I've had over all these years inside, but now they're just all bursting out. And all I feel is pain. And I just..I want to feel something other than pain."  
  
Tears were streaming down his face now, and Sydney couldn't stand it anymore. She knew exactly where he was coming from. All these years she had thought that the two of them were completely different people. But in reality, they were exactly alike.  
  
She hated seeing him suffer like this. Instinctively, she took his hand in hers and interlocked their fingers. He lifted his head to meet her eyes.  
  
"Do you feel this?" She asked him  
  
He starred silently at her. She let go of his hand and moved hers up to his cheek. She ran the back of her hand down the side of his face. He closed his eyes at her touch.  
  
"How about this?"  
  
His eyes closed tighter as her fingers lingered on his lips.  
  
"Tell me if you feel this." She said, removing her fingers from his lips and replacing them with her mouth. At first the kiss was slow, but then she moved her hand to the side of his face and deepened it. She leaned her forehead against his and asked again. "Do you feel this?"  
  
He opened his eyes and looked at her. "Yes." He said, before kissing her hungrily.  
  
Sydney's hands moved to the back of Sark's head as she forced him closer to her. His hands traveled up and down her back. Her hands explored his back before moving to unbutton his shirt. He grabbed her hand before she could finish.  
  
"No." He said between kisses. "We can't."  
  
Sydney kissed him ever harder and shook free of his hand. "You said you wanted to feel something other than pain. So do I."  
  
She successfully got his shirt off, and he began to undo hers. After her shirt was discarded, he undid her bra and slipped that off. His lips moved from her lips to her neck. He began massaging one of her breasts with his hand. Sydney arched her back in pleasure. He laid her on the ground and took her nipple in his mouth. Sydney let out a moan, before realizing that this was not how she planned things to go. She wanted to take his pain away. She wanted him to feel pleasure.  
  
They discarded their pants, and then Sydney rolled Sark over and straddled him. She began laying kisses down his neck and chest, all while her hands were exploring his thighs. They moved over his groin and he let out a moan. So her hand moved back and gave it a small squeeze. He moaned louder this time, and her lips moved up to his ear.  
  
"Do you feel this?" She whispered.  
  
"Yes." He answered, exasperated.  
  
She removed his boxers and her panties as quickly as she could, and then laid kisses along the inside of Sark's thighs. As she inched closer and closer to his penis Sark could feel his excitement building. She ran her tongue up and down it, before finally taking it in her mouth. Sark couldn't take it anymore. He roller her back over and plunged himself into her. He was surprised at how perfectly the seemed to fit together. The two of them moved back and forth in perfect rhythm. It didn't take long for them to climax, and Sark collapsed on top of her, and buried his face in her neck.  
  
"Did you feel? She asked, her lips right beside her ear.  
  
He raised up to look her into her eyes. No longer were his eyes red from tears, but clear blue, and filled with joy.  
  
"Yes.I felt."  
  
He kissed her softly and moved beside her. He gathered her up in his arms, and that's how they fell asleep.  
  
In the morning, Sydney awoke to find Sark gone. She got dressed and looked for him. He was gone. But his car was still here. She took a quick glance over at the edge of the cliff, but wouldn't let herself go over to look. She found a note on the windshield of her car.  
  
Sydney.  
Thank you for last night. Now  
I can die a happy man.  
  
-S.  
  
She didn't believe it. She looked back over at the edge of the cliff. He had actually gone through with it. Why did she think that last night would change anything. She looked at the note again and read it out loud: Thank you for last night. Now I can die a happy man. She had thought she could help him.  
  
"In about 50 or 60 years."  
  
She spun around to see Sark standing there with a grin on his face.  
  
She let out a sigh of relief and then narrowed her eyes at him. "You know that that is really an evil thing to do, don't you."  
  
He walked toward her, closing the distance there was between them until they stood only inches apart.  
  
"Did you forget who you were dealing with?" He asked her, still grinning. Then he cupped her cheek and leaned down to kiss her.  
  
Afterward, silence lingered in the air, as did so many unanswered questions. But they would find the answers. And they would find them together.  
  
Author's note: I know that this sux, but please review anyway and tell me what you think. 


End file.
